Which Ape Ancestor are you?

One of the things I’ve noticed in my observation of the human behaviour on my journey to understand life and it’s correlation to what happens after death is that we as humans or the 5th Ape exhibit more traits of one single Ape than all of them combined.

I’d like to explain my theory if I may here in my blog because by writing it out, it helps me work it out in my head. I might adjust this later but for now here is a rough draft.

You know I’m an evolutionist. I believe in Science and we know for a fact we share common genes with our Ape ancestors.

Here is a quick rundown here in this link.


But what I’ve noticed in my observation of people around me is we have traits both in private and socially that seem to mimick a type of Ape. Each person can be put into a category of Ape based on their personality.

Here is what I observed. See if this makes sense and decide which one you fit into.


They’re intelligent, like to be around people, will do whatever is necessary to survive, be happy and have fun.

They are hunter gatherers, athletic, fit, healthy.

They like to have a rest but they tend to like to keep active. Always on the go, doing, being, seeing. They dabble in this and that and when they do rest it’s usually with an exhausted body but active mind.

They’re funny, easily excited about the things they love and will give anything ago. They don’t like to be isolated and adapt easy to any situation if it interests them or benefits those around them.

However, they have a dark, broody side when faced with any situation that is unfamiliar to them, can be quick to temper and can create all out war if pushed to it.

Be it gossip, fighting or defending what matters to them, be it in physicality or in principle, the Chimpanzee type of personality will be a master at manipulation, strategy and acting fast.

Often getting themselves into situations that require thinking to get out of because their quick to act, quick to temper, quick to react, up for any challenge nature can get them into unnecessary trouble. They’re very clairvoyant and will know when trouble is coming.

They’re good looking with obvious sex appeal. They like to be groomed and take pride in their appearance. They will work hard to have the nicest suit or fastest car but prefer to have others make them rich if it was at all possible. They dream of being rich and surrounded by luxury because it shows everyone around them how awesome they are.

What people think about them matters a great deal.

They like a lot of sex, exciting an even a little kinky.

They are entertaining, and a joy to those who are around them. Quick witted and observational. Anger and impatience are their biggest issue but they’re perfectly capable of curtailing both. It’s just a matter of choice.

They’re great money makers, schemers, planners and do well on Wall Street. They know how to get what they want and aren’t afraid to get it.

Unless they bear their teeth. Then you see the strength behind what’s lurking under those beautiful eyes. My Eldest would be a Chimpanzee.


This is my husband. I’d put him under this category.

Bonobo are equally as intelligent as Chimpanzee but they choose their battles carefully. Choosing instead to try to communicate and resolve differences without conflict because they know if they did lose their temper it’s generally not going to end well for those they aim their anger at.

When there is conflict, they try to soothe the situation quickly because they don’t like conflict. It’s upsetting to them to have discord or unbalance in their circle so they will become submissive to the dominant personalities in order to play peace maker. They are kind, gentle, loyal, and live for friends and family.

They will immediately revert to sexual submission in conflict with partners in order to stop the tension.

My husband when he knows he’s done wrong will immediately present. He will become flirty and suggestive, becomes tactile and attentive. Trying to placate me at every turn. EVEN if it means he thinks he is right or his actions justified.

They’re hard working and will do whatever is necessary to take care of those they love. The family unit is all they live for be it immediate, extended or honourary.

Sex is pleasure for them but serves a function also. Having children or caring for children is a joy to a Bonobo and seen as a gift not a chore.

They make love. Sex and love go hand in hand. Sensual, appreciate the body in all its form and glory. They see the beauty in the act of making love. It’s bonding for them.

They are self sacrificing, generous, always there helping out those in need, suffering or in need of love. They’re soft natured, nature respecting, peace loving, social manipulators. They’re cunning, and are genius at manipulating any situation to get the best out of people, get what they want, or turn situations around often using emotion and affection to do it. Crafty is probably a better word.

But they’re practical also. They can turn three tins of something into an 8 course meal.

Parents, Nurses, Teachers, Beauty Therapists, Massage Therapist, Yoga Instructor, Doctor, Architect, Builder,

Fix the sink, run a house hold, build a shed, plumb a toilet, pay the bills and find a cure for something in one go.

They’re great at running teams, groups or families. Managing people, homes, businesses and projects are their gift from birth. They are people pleasers and will do so often at a detriment to themselves.

They’re beautiful to look at. They’re bright eyed, clear skinned, natural beauties without even having to try.

But make no mistake, if pushed, a Bonobo would be just as deadly as a Gorilla, they just choose not to because they are smarter than that. They know there are going to be conflicts in their lives but they make a conscious effort not to act first instead choosing to think first instead. Because management and organisation of every aspect for them is essential. They’re tidy, stylish, can be a little OCD for being clean and tidy. They like everything around them just so. Because order is calm. Very Telepathic. They can often be bi polar in nature because they feel the need to be two different people. The them who needs to please, and the them who wants to be happy.

Because calm to a Bonobo means no conflict. They like balance most of all.


These quiet, highly intelligent beasts are often your gentle, intellectual types who prefer to only socialize when necessary. Preferring instead to stay in and hone their craft or indulging in the things they love that bring them joy.

They prefer to only be around like minded individuals because nobody else will understand them.

They’ll often find being around others painful. They’re incredibly gifted, skilled, talented people who are empathic by nature.

They have a respect for the planet in a way that commands respect. They have a NEED to be stimulated. They can’t not feed their brains.

They have hobbies they master first time, and perfect as they age which becomes works of art to those who view or experience their mastery.

They’re incredible cooks, artists, writers, musicians, song writers etc…they appreciate the finer things in life. Not necessarily over indulgent but they CAN be prone to addiction or depression because they suffer fools easily because they’re often treated so badly by society.

Often bullied as children, picked on, misunderstood, often their need for solitude is to protect them from the hurts of a world that just doesn’t get them. This is why they have small social circles of a few trusted, but like minded individuals. They’re pacifists, and observers who appreciate nothing more than a nice meal, good conversation with a nice bottle of something, some jazz on and a joint in hand.

They are lovers of, masters of, supporters of, encouragers of and the biggest appreciators of culture, sophistication and luxury even on a budget. They’re quiet unless around those they trust. They’re funny on a level that makes you think and in general a Orangutan as a whole is so intelligent or fascinating to be around if you understand one, everything they say gets you thinking. They like to submerge themselves in all things natural and simple and yet when it comes to technology they’re often at the forefront of anything new that comes out because they appreciate the mastery and skill that goes into something.

From speakers to wacom pads, from cameras and cars, pots and amps.

They’re inspiring and do whatever is necessary to be inspired.

My ex would be an Orangutan.

They know their intelligent, yet never lord it over people. They just put what they are out there and wait to see if anyone likes what they do.

They’re often seen as slow or weird as children, and it wounds them. They are wounded, misunderstood Apes.

Orangutans are born skilled, their talents immediate from birth.

They know they could rip a man’s arm off if pushed to defend who they love, they just choose not to get themselves caught up in a situation where they would need to and if they do have to use their strength of mind or body it can hurt them badly to have to do so later on emotionally.

They need a LOT of encouragement because they can suffer from low confidence and never truly see how incredible they are because of being do humble.

They’re often physically attractive to others in a way that makes them capable of collecting groupies or start a cult, they’re intelligence is appealing long before people notice their good looks and stylish appearance.

They appreciate sex and like to indulge when the mood takes them, but they turned on by intellect rather than form. So they’ll often have attractive by very smart lovers. There has to be an attraction but to an Orangutan sex isn’t as important as it is to a Bonobo for example.

However, don’t think they’re all brains and no brawn. Apart from the fact they’re nimble and strong, they’re also capable of being cruel and using their extreme intellect to hurt you with their words.


This is where I would place me.

Gorilla are big characters. They’re master observers. They can’t be accused of being dumb even if they look dopey.

They prefer solitude and trust no-one but their inner circle. They are what people love and fear in equal measure.

Their family and community are loved and defended with a fierce, paranoid protection to a point where, while their kids can run amok and cause chaos, one glance or grunt from the Gorilla and silence comes immediately after.

They demand things a certain way. They are a contradiction in terms.

They like law and order but are gentle and loving.

They demand peace but can chill you to the bone when they speak.

They choose to interact and will have no hesitation in moving away or shutting down to get peace.

They are master observers and can be quick to temper especially if someone is threatening their territory.

They’re jealous and exhausting because they’re emotional and attach deeply to those they love. Emotionally and sexually needy and demanding when in love.

Sex is power, sex is life. They dominate sex like no other. It can be for love or sport. To a Gorilla it doesn’t matter as long as they get what they want or who they want. The bed fellows don’t tend to argue because it’s alluring to them.

They like to understand everything around them to the point of being probing and suspicious.

They’re intelligence, big heart and exceptional memory means past hurts make them protective of what and who is dear to them.

They’re suspicious of everyone and are truth seekers. They will bring out your best AND worst side without you even knowing they did it.

They make fantastic lawyers, homicide detectives, scientists, judges, etc.. because they get to the bottom of things, they delve deeper than others and find the answer with a sheer dogged determination and drive that makes them a force to be reckoned with.

They’re leaders and seen as being dominant and strong.

They are perfectly well aware of the fact that if necessary they will rip your head off and crush every bone in your body with one slam of their fist but resorting to that kind of action to a Gorilla is either only ever acceptable for two reasons.

To defend those they love or because they were pushed beyond reason because of fear or frustration.

They will self sacrifice to save those around them. They are heroes to many and disliked by many.

Those around them love and fear them in equal measure because they are powerful in ways few understand but all sense.

They’re dark, yet patient. Gentle yet psychopathic underneath the surface.

There’s a darkness there waiting to come out if pushed.

They will work hard, diligently burning the candles at both ends getting something finished or done in time.

Workaholics, obsessive, driven and forceful, if it benefits them in anyway to learn French or Mechanics to get them ahead in something they do it.

Where as Chimpanzee are workers and providers, the Bonobo the gatherers and nurturers, the Orangutan the thinkers and inspirers, the Gorilla is the creator and dooer. The Human prepares and plans.

Gorillas are the ones who bring things to people that will benefit them in big ways. They make contributions to society that have a lasting impact.

So they will invent something if it doesn’t exist but needs to.

They will create something or set things up that have lasting impact long after they are gone.

They leave peoplescratching their heads going “Bloodyy hell…….that’s incredible” or “Who the hell was that?” because their theories, their work, their words, their design, product or medicine will be innovative, thought provoking, honest, much needed or life changing.

They work as long and as hard as necessary to find the cure or to get the job done.

How they are perceived by those they respect is important to them. They don’t like people thinking they’re something they are not. Often misunderstood, larger than life, and standing out in crowds they’re the victim of being misunderstood more than the others.

People will automatically assume because they are larger, strong, scary, opinionated people they’re hiding something, lying, pretending or in need of being suspicious of.

While the Gorilla type of character is strong, opinionated, dark and broody, we are the ones that will work harder to prove to the world we aren’t what people think we are.

While they don’t give a shit about what people think, are anti authoritarian and disobedient under their breathe, we do care about what we know and are good at.

We are arrogant and can be accused of being egotistical but it’s only because no-one will work harder to master their gift more than a Gorilla because we know that what we do, will have the biggest impact on the lives of those around us.

One wrong equation, one false move, one missed clue, one misjudgment, one wrong chemical, one wrong word and a life is affected and that’s a burden a Gorilla carries with them forever.

They’re deep, observational, emotional creatures who love and care for civilisation in a way that comes at a detriment to those around them because they will be the ones who bear the brunt of the late nights, long hours, constant thinking, philosophising, moods when frustrated and emotional breakdowns.

We prefer to bang our chest and make the appropriate noises rather than just beat someone to death but if we get to that point it’s because we were pushed beyond our limits.

Our outbursts are always justified at the time. But we would prefer to sit and play with kittens or learn sign language because that benefits others who observe us and contributes to Science which is useful and has a benefit and point to it.

Brutally honest, blunt and capable of sarcasm at 1000% paces. Funny, charming, often physically fit or have excessive physical characteristics that make us stand out from the crowd. Like how I’m 6 foot with dayglow white skin, 38Gg boobs. You can’t miss me. Then I open my trap. Lol But I also used to be 371lbs (not 365 as I thought as I forgot to add the half a stone when doing the calculation) so either way I was standing out whether I tried to or not.

In America people stop me in the street and I hate it lol I get shy.

But yet I wear tight tops and heels because if it gets me attention. It gets my work attention. Me being me has opened conversation gateways that gets my work out there. Because everyone wants to know what I’m doing there.
But all I care about is my work and perfecting it to maximize the potential for success in helping the world understand my science of death. Because once people don’t fear the dead they get to be in a better emotional and psychological space before they become the dead themselves.

So I get my fat ass on that exercise bike and I write what I think and I express my opinions and put myself out there because it’s what has to be done.

They don’t care about appearance but will be just as comfy in heels as in sneakers however they would prefer slippers.

They like to blob on a day off with the kids climbing on them but with one eye on the cellphone.

Always watching, always observing.

Sexually dominant, not afraid to explore new things, even fetishistic. They know what they like and don’t like. They are loyal to their chosen partner and would die to protect that bond and commitment but will not hesitate in going elsewhere if their partners are disloyal to them.

When a Gorilla hurts they hurt deep.

Gorillas are hunted, hounded, feared, revered, respected, worshipped, ridiculed, protected, and they just want to be left alone to do what they do best which is be a Gorilla.

A Devil with a Halo or Angel with a Pitchfork. They’re one of the other depending on their mood.

They can switch off and move on quickly once we are shit on.

They are stubborn. They need to have a seed planted in their mind so they can make their own mind up rather than be told what to do.

They don’t suit working for others. They have to be approached about something diplomatically or they will perceive the suggestion or comment as a criticism or as a flaw in their character which makes them defensive. They don’t like failure which is why they work themselves into the ground at anything to they do be it work, love or socially.

They will if they can be left alone but are better in charge or self employed.

They often have traumatic pasts which is half the reason for their preferred need for solitude and determination to prove their pasts wrong.

They only trust their small circle while actually not trusting anyone at all.

But always entertaining. The room often goes quiet when they walk into it because with a Gorilla people are always waiting to see what the Gorilla will say or do next.

People are never quite sure what to make of a Bonobo type because they’re unsure of how they’ll react to things, waiting to see if they’ll reveal a darker side, we know they’re capable of but only because they will always get mistaken for a Chimpanzee.

Both beautiful to look at but a little disconcerting to those who don’t give themselves a chance to get to know them.

An Orangutan warms people’s hearts just looking at them they’re so captivating.

A Human and Gorilla however are feared and respected in equal measure for their unpredictability and hidden dark side lurking under the surface no-one wants to see emerge.


The baby in terms of evolution and intellect.

They see life with brand new eyes.

They’re inquisitive and deceptive.

Often bipolar in nature because while they are unassuming and hard to please (because they can’t just accept an answer for something they will start out blindly following trends and beliefs because it’s easier than forging their own path UNTIL they find a belief that feels right for them).

They aren’t likely to be excitable and spontaneous. They’ll work when necessary, play when necessary, fight when necessary and not always for the right reasons but they need time to figure out their truth because they’re not as mature or open to reason like their older ancestors.

They’ll become rebels AFTER they were shown the need to be. They need proof of things before something fits for them to believe it.

Truth seekers but not always of a truth that suits anyone but their own end, they can be stubborn in belief and conviction.

Easy to addiction or obsession because they either find something they love to the point of latching on and obsessing or they’ll convince themselves they need it in order to be happy when they know it’s potentially damaging or counter productive to their growth.

They’re seekers of a truth that benefits them. They’ll try any and every theory or none at all.

They’re contradictory and change their minds faster than lightening.

They will be masters of routine, like things that are reliable and trustworthy. They’re sticklers for order, rules and regulations.

In relationships with people and companies for decades, they know what they like and what makes them comfortable because it’s easier than going against the grain to be happy.

Often doing things like staying in a marriage of 30yrs because they’re afraid to come out as gay for example or staying in a job they hate because it pays the bills. They dear to dream.

Humans live in fear of living without order and security. They’d never backpack around Asia because they’d think of all the things that could go wrong instead of being excited about trying the cuisine or submerging themselves in the culture.

They do what they think is expected of them rather than what they want of themselves. They’ll get mortgages, drive Audi’s, have jobs in middle management because it’s what’s expected of them even if they really want to sit in a shed and solder things to make a radio from shoe laces.

They’re dreamers who long for “one day” but don’t push for one day to happen even though they work their asses off every day.

They can be lazy and lack motivation unless it’s self serving. They won’t like the idea of moving to Canada to work but will if they have to but would of preferred something sunnier like Spain.

But if they have a hobby or interest they will know it inside out better than anyone alive.

Stability is comforting to them. They don’t understand the world around them because it changes too fast so they submerge themselves in things that they know and are comforting to them because it’s less fearful than the possibility of the unknown.

They don’t like to think of what could be out there. They’re new to it all and new is scary.

They’re sticklers for routine even if it’s being lazy on the couch by a certain time they are usually average lovers in bed until their kink comes out.

They have a dark side that most will never know about because they are distrusting. They don’t know who is a potential threat or not so for someone to know they like to wear heels and jerk off to Animated porn wouldn’t look good to his reputation. So the sex with their partner will be typical or it will be with someone who they trust, otherwise they’ll hide in the shed with their phone and heels hidden behind the mulch kind of thing.

While they don’t care what people think, they do seek approval or validation for a job well done because it lets them know they’re on the right track.

They’ll be romantic and thoughtful or assholes and thoughtless in love depending on their mood.

While an Orangutan and Chimp would drop everything tomorrow to explore the world around them in all its glory, a Bonobo prefers to see the world around their comfort zone unless with careful planning and preparation a Gorilla and Human need a good reason to up sticks and go.

A Gorilla will happily see the adventure IF there is good reason but a Human will need to explore each option, weigh up each possibility, know the plan inside and out and will then find the best movers to make the transition easier for them where as the others would roll up their sleeves and carry the furniture themselves the Human would rather organise and manage the move because then their in complete control of it.

However they will take the beatings from upper management, work till their feet are sore, stay up all night on duty, patrolling, crunching numbers, making the cut backs to get the job done so they can go home.

They’re work ants. Resilient, less emotional, diligent, thorough, some are borderline genius.

They’re smile lights up a room when it’s genuine because they’re often exhausted or mentally drained from the work or hobby they just did.

But get them talking and in the right mood they are a delight to be around.

Until they’re drunk. Then they can be stupid and brave which can be dangerous but no doubt entertaining or memorable.

When a human makes a splash it’s never a small one.

Even if they’re unemployed they will have a thing they obsess over be it playing video games or painting trains.

But like ants if you drop a stick in front of them to disrupt their flow it can be stressful for them and they can panic and make mistakes. Humans don’t like making mistakes. It’s disruptive.

A human knows it has to evolve, grow and expand, it is happy to be a part of the evolutionary experience as long as it’s on their terms.

But those terms will be your terms but just don’t let them think your terms are the same because these are people who are sceptical and need to see things for themselves.

They view every thing or one with suspicion because it’s a new concept or ideology and that’s disrupting to them.

They like linear, straight, no surprises or secrets. But masters of planning them, and keeping them.

They like comfort. They’ll work hard to have middle of the range things.

Not budget, not luxury but above average in affordability.

They’re often drole or dry in their sense of humour. Observational comedy is more for your Gorilla and Orangutan. But the Human, Chimp and Bonobo are more slap stick, gags and social commentary.

YouTube’s Fail Army, Simpsons and Fawlty Towers, SNL over Monty Python or League of Gentlemen kind of thing.

They’re Charlie Chaplin, Kevin Hart, Peter Kay comedy where as Gorilla and Orangutan are more Bill Hicks, Bill Burr, South Park.

They’ll have jobs that service others, working in teams and groups isn’t an issue for them as long as there is something to do. They don’t like being bored because if a Human is bored it can get them into trouble.

They can quick to temper, snap or don’t react at all.

Bipolar in nature as I said before.

A contradiction, a balance trying to get it right so they get it over with so they can move on to the next thing, a human is quick to adapt if it’s assimilating into an environment they enjoy or understand.

Otherwise they’ll rebel and take action they didn’t want to have to take, to get the job done.

Well……that’s my observation anyway.

So which ape are you?

This might change or be added to but I’m just writing it here so I can mull it over.

Regardless of what Ape you are we have all lived along side each other long enough to know that it takes all sorts to create the world we live in.

Age, Colour, Species or Evolutionary purpose is inconsequential if we don’t coexist.

Nature, History and genetics have shown us we are capable of so much more than what we allow each other to be.

The world is a zoo and we’re all just trying to avoid the cages.

But if we all just sorted our shit out and we’re allowed to be whatever animal we wanted to be we wouldn’t have cages at all because we would never allow.

Be the Ape you want to be, be a Gorilla in a Chimps clothing if it makes you happy but there is no shame in a Human being their inner Bonobo.

We are all a bit of everything. When I for example am in the dog house, my inner Bonobo comes out IF necessary and my Bonobo becomes a gooey drooling Orangutan. But if my husband is in the dog house it’s because my inner Chimp came out and he’ll stay in longer than I ever will. Because he and I both know if I’m in the dog house it’s because he was misunderstanding of me and will be easier to come round because he’ll know he was wrong. If he’s in the dog house, he was most definitely wrong.

I’m not above admitting my mistakes though especially because in on a self correction phase of my Spiritual journey. However…….it’s not often with him that I’m wrong as he is more reactionary to things which gets him into trouble. Where as I brood and contemplate every option before acting. Unless pushed in which case my reaction is quick and severe. If I’m brutal, it’s because I got hurt and will react accordingly. But unlike a Chimpanzee I won’t declare all out war. My defense will be done psychologically because I know if pushed my psychopathic side would turn dark and I’ll struck and hurt with an impact that is felt for life.

I’m a thinker not a fighter because if I fight it won’t be pretty. But…..

You are whoever you were born to be not who society expects you to be.

If society can’t see your inner Ape for your outer Ape it’s not for you to fit in with society but for society to fit in with you.

Passive, Aggressive, A Introvert or Extrovert, we all share DNA with each Ape on the list. We are all in this together.

Just be the ape that invents the wheel not throws the poo because the poo throwers bring us all down for allowing it to happen.