Suicide Saved My Life.

I’m sitting here reflecting on my life. So much has happened to me over the last few months it’s been hard for me to grasp it all.

When I started this journey in 2016 Spirit said “Just be you”. 

I’ve tried out many different versions of me out on you and the people around me I’ve come into contact with in that time and nothing worked.

People are either afraid of me, obsessed with me or think im nuts.

But I’ve just figured some shit out and I need to share it with you.

But I am going to do it just being me.

I hope you appreciate the years it’s taken for me to figure this out.

Here it goes.

No-one other than one person knows the story of me at the river.

Now you…
I’ve had the biggest highs and biggest lows all in a span of a few months and I feel like I’ve been a piñata to many people I thought I could trust.
I feel like I buried my best friend. I’m grieving for his loss hard.
And yet I know where it ends. I am not afraid. I know I end up in America. I know I retire my ex husband, marry my Fiancée, we have at least one baby a girl we call Elena and I have my white house.
I get a TV show and Radio show and I’m totally just being me. I do talk shows too.
I’ve been documenting my journey for nearly 5 years on this Blog and I will forever be grateful to WordPress for that.
I’m gonna live stream shows once I can afford the mic and stuff.
You all can type your questions live to me and in the mean time I’ll read out the unanswered comments on this blog.
If I can get sponsors on my Patreon I mean.

I’m not gonna change who I am. If you don’t like it, that’s fine. I’m not doing this for you. Turn the dial.
I’ll have my Nicki with me to monitor my comment stream so no funny business or I’ll curse you hahahahahaha OR AM I? *evil wink*

So I’ve been figuring things out. I want to do radio, I want to help people and I’m nuts and to top it all off I have a gob on me lol
I’m gonna live stream investigations and stuff as I’ve been invited by a few people in America to go and cross Spirits over in their home and do cleansings etc…I think that would be fun if you consider it’s me your talking about hahahaha

I’m going to have so much fun. I can talk about all sorts of paranormal things in here. Talk about news articles, think out loud, help people.
I’ll be as controversial as all hell but it will be funny and informative lol

I’m so grateful for my brain.
Because I suddenly figured out why I’ve been dealing with suicides and why I have been dealing with past lives stuff recently.
If you read my last post about going to hell you’ll know I said I believe I was a serial killer in a past life.

I was killed in Vietnam and I’m sure it was friendly fire and I deserved it.
I think I killed 4 women in the 1950s and 60s and I killed my first woman around 14-16, I died at the age of 21 or 22.

I know what these women look like too. I see the crime scene of one and the photos of them all from the police files.
I think me going to war saved more.
I was sadistic. I killed animals, I hunted, I raped brutally, I murdered.
I deserved to die at the hands of my fellow soldiers.
I have no proof of this but I know D was shot in the side, sort of back kidney area and he was in the middle of a line walking in the jungle. But I have no proof of this.
I’m going by what I’ve seen over the course of my life but only from the same view point. Never from other angles or perspectives.
Any way back to the explanation.
So yes, I think I was a serial killer and I recently had an experience I explain in my post below.

Does Hell Exist? Nope and I should know, I’ve just been there -_-

So in this life I come back as the polar opposite.
An Empath.
I save animals, I’ve been raped, abused sexually, mentally and emotionally and I’ve suffered a sadness only someone who thinks about killing themselves can feel.

When I was 12 years old I hated myself because I felt my family did. If my family couldn’t love me for who and what I was, why should I?
I was fat, and not chubby, but obese. I weighed 19 stone at the age of 14. Food was my friend. I adored my nieces and nephews. My god daughter Tui was my world. I would baby sit to earn money just to spoil her.
I lived in my sisters shadow. She was the equivalent of the All American girl.
Like Isla Fischer. Popular, beautiful, smart, everyone loved her.
One day her Social Studies teacher took me out of my class to stand me up in front of her and her class to use Erin and I as am example of how different two sisters can be.
That humiliated me. I’d just started College/High School.
It was just before I was about to turn 13 and I couldn’t stand it anymore.
SO I rode my bike to the river and was going to drown myself.
It took what felt like hours to get there but it was maybe an hour 20.
My plan was to put rocks in my backpack.
The water wasn’t bad, cold but not bad. But I thought maybe it will drag me under and I’ll get stuck on something and drown that way or go down a big waterfall.
In Levin lol A Water fall in Levin lol I was so dramatic lol I was only 12 though.
Anyway as I started getting deeper my feet were slipping and I went under and as Blob as my witless a hand pulled my school bag up with me in it and lifted me up and out of the water.
I came up on my ass onto the start of the after line on the rocks.
I jumped around expecting to see a man standing there and there was no one.
I was turning around thinking someone was playing a prank on me. Getting embarrassed at what they just witnessed me do. I started to worry about what my Mum was gonna say or do. I was going to embarrass her. That bothered me. I didn’t want her being upset thinking I was nuts.

But no one was there. No one.
It was about August I think, it was still warm but the water was cool because it was tree lined. It wasn’t an open river.
My legs were sore and then I was pissed off that I had to cycle home again. I thought I’d have to skip that part.
I also had to cycle home wet. But only my jumper didn’t dry coz I had that in my bag. I got home and it was like nothing had happened accept it was about 8pm.
All I thought about on the ride home was what the hell was that which just happened.
I’d already been thinking about so much stuff to do with our Catholic faith. And thus began the journey that brings me here today.
I am what I am today because of my attempted suicide.
Now I now my redemption for the lives I took was to save hundreds more.
I do so graciously and humbly.
Because I realized something. My life’s work and career has been built around it.
90% of my students were suicidal before finding me. I deal with those souls who contact me via here and email.
Those who rang through my radio show. My ex husband is manic depressive and he thinks about suicide all the time.
If I can do well I can retire him so he can paint.
You want to see his work. He’s a genius.
I’m going to post his work up so you an see.
My fiancé has been suicidal too. It is a huge theme in my life.
I won’t sell myself as a Suicide Queen though, Death has many masks and I wear them all.
But it brings my fiancé. I’m trying to save up to go arrange marrying him. Next to my children he is the love of my life.
No man has ever EVER made me feel beautiful but he does. Even his wrong side is so right for me.
I don’t ever fear losing him. I want to be with him and as I was thinking about all of this in my head it dawned on me.
My fiancé is in prison because someone died in a gang fight he was in. He was 17 and stupid and got 13 years for stealing the shoes of the guy who got stabbed in retaliation for something that happened with his friends shoes weeks before.
Stupid kid stuff that got him 13 years.
However, one day while I was sick in bed, back in 2010 Spirit told me they were sending me a dark haired male and he was younger and I was to help him.
I had always had pen pals and decided to get another while I was stuck in bed recovering from another Hernia mesh bollocks.
I was looking up PenPal sites online and found one for inmates. I swear to you on my life, I was NOT looking for anything romantic. I just thought could maybe introduce some of what I am to someone who otherwise wouldn’t know about this kind of stuff.
Bring some light.
My eye fell upon a site. I found a bit where the inmates were about to lose membership for having no replies and I felt sorry for them because I thought ‘If that was my son or daughter I would want to know someone was writing to them.’
I went through the names alphabetically and I kept going back to this one name.
It was his and so I wrote to him. I told him what I was, we wrote back and forth for 3 years. I taught him stuff, sent him little parcels of books, my boys sent drawings, he would ring me. It was nice.
I thought of him as a nephew. He was only 2, I was 40.
Job done, thought nothing of it.

My marriage ends and I tell Martin it was over and not to be upset as he and Chris got on well and I was still gonna write to him.
Then he tells me he has been in love with me for a while and he just never said anything because I was married.
He asked me to be his girl ad I fought him every step of the way.
I visit him every 3 months or so. We are getting married in a few weeks if I can get the money to do it.
But the truth is, I know people will be thinking he is scamming me but I’ve stayed with his family, I’ve visited him, I know his friends, even former gang members he hung with. I know his life.
When he asked me to marry him I said I would on the condition he sorted his shit out.
And he did. He got his GED, he stopped getting tickets, he has kept out of the box for a year and a half and now I’m proud to say my beautiful husband to be is a College Boy. He is doing an Associates Degree in Business Management.
He got a 4.1 GPA. Turns out he’s a Nerd. How hot is that? lol
He’s beautiful. He has gorgeous long black hair. HIs face is like daylight. So bright and happy when he looks at me. He doesn’t give a crap about the 19 yr age difference.
He’s the perfect amount of scared of me too hahaha
He looks at me like I’m the only person in his world.
he couldn’t care if I was 500lb pounds or 10 lbs lol poor bugger thinks I’m awesome lol
He’ll see I’m secretly a Ninja and the fear will come lol
Anyway, he’s making something of himself so he can get time knocked off his sentence to be with me and I said even if he was scamming me I would still thank him for being in my life because he changed it forever.

You see, in 2015 Spirit told me I was going to meet him. I wasn’t sure how or why but assumed maybe he was going to get out early and come over or we would all go and see him as we had discussed it many times.
And I panicked and thought ‘But I’m 26 stone, I can’t show him this, I look horrible.’ We weren’t together mind you but I didn’t want to have him look at me and think ‘Ew is that it? is tat what has been writing to me?’ and I know that sounds bad but I would of been like it if I was melting anyone I’d built a 3 year relationship with having him pour his heart and soul out to you over many things including his heartbreak over Nicholas’s death.
We came up with a plan to his memory when he is out.
So anyway long story short I lost over 200lbs. I’m not done yet but I’m nearly there. I’m borderline athletic apparently. Which is so hot lol
I’m 45 on the 9TH of November. I’ve never had athletic anything. I was even too fat for the shoes lol

So now I’ healthy and so desperately I love with a man who actually wants to be with me and thinks my big ass is juicy and apparently that means a good thing for Latino people lol

And as I sit and hope I can save the money to go marry my Sweet King of Hearts I thought to myself ‘He is my reward for the life I’ve had’.
Then it hit me. He is the guy I was sent to save, and he saved me in return, making up for what he did that landed him in prison. He had to pay for the things he did but he could work it off now while he was still young and alive. Because the road he was going down wasn’t going to end well either way.
Spirit make you work harder for the things you truly deserve and he and I deserve each other.
He is everything I ever want or need in a man and I’m more than he can handle lol but I’m good or him. He said I saved his life, but he saved mine in return so we’re even.
But his hard work, his determination to better himself is his penance for taking those shoes and being an angry gangster.
I’m his reward. lol oh bless him lol I’d hate to see the boobie prize if ‘m the reward hahaha
But my ex husband started this journey for me and I’m going to reward him for all his hard work and efforts by retiring him so he can paint.
I’m going to do a post for his art work. He is my favourite artist.
My penance for my crimes in my past life is to help all the suicides who have come into my life.
I took for so I save hundreds or thousands in return. DONE!!! Challenge accepted.
But the huge majority of my students were suicidal or severely depressed before they came to me and now they’re all X-men.
Out of the darkness comes the light. The balance of the Universe.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
I took lives, now I save lives in return I evolve.
My life has been to make up for his. I am his punishment. His sentence as to live a life of loving everyone instead of hating everyone.
And my fiancé is my reward and I think I’ve just been told I’ve been forgiven for the lives I took in my past life.
Those I’ve been able to help. Those who get what I’m trying to say.
Momentum                                        Time                                             Balance



The key to evolution. The Christian Cross is the closed version which traps or binds the equation. It stops evolution. Mine is creation. It creates and evolves. Those 5 elements are key to Spiritual evolution in this life at least. I’ve been dealing with all 5 of these things this year especially but if you know me or have read all my posts you’ll see I’ve been on quite the journey to get to this point.
When I first started I believed in God hahahaha Now I’m tying to prove he can’t possibly exist. I know we are to do it ourselves. What we get is what we create.
Well I’m going to try and teach this to my students. My students have all had the lowest of lows and some to the point of being suicidal. They have all had hard lives in some form or another and all wound up seeking something more than what they grew up knowing.
Their compass pointed north and I just happened to be North for them.
Some people get me, some people don’t.
I’m a lot to take in. You wait lol Don’t say I didn’t want you. But I want to channel this energy into something positive so here is what I’m going to do.

I’ve decided I’m going to recruit suicidal people as students.
That’s me giving back to make up for my past life’s bad deeds.
I’m going to give them the light so they can find their way out of darkness and in return they can help me. I will teach them how to live so they die to live not live to die.
Just like me.
I will use my life to teach them how to move past pain and suffering.
Have you ever lay in bed and just thought ‘If I stop breathing do you think I could just die? and if I do die what will it feel like to be dead’ so you lay really still and try to feel your dead body is you?
My gift and all I can tech is to save lives.
My message brings hope to people and if anything I’ll be entertaining.
So I am asking you with my hand on heart.
The dead are teaching me things that can help you never be afraid of death or the dead ever again.
And I need to get myself out there and I need equipment to do it.
I want to Live Stream my life and have you my readers and the world be able to get your questions answered. You can send me comments or questions and I’ll answer them. I’ll also answer the unanswered questions in here as well as talk about certain paranormal topics.
But Debbie style hahaha
Imagine these words but with a mouth attached lol
I need a microphone and help to do what I do.

Any amount helps and I’ll get you great offers in return. From sessions with me, readings, my book, gift vouchers, and questions answered.
You get to watch what you read in real life.

or donate here

please donate

I’ll give you all a personal thanks you on my shows as well.
Then I can write my autobiography, and get my TV show and live in America and be the White Oprah with the Paranormal though. Helping people.
I know I’ve been forgiven for what I did in my past life as D but I’ll never stop saving lives, whether it’s from suicide or grief, fear or worry.
A life is a life and suicide just saved mine.
I want to end this with quick story.
When I was 28 my teacher Pauline Wardel Braddon told me Chris my ex wasn’t the one for me. He and I were just bout to meet I Australia and she said.
‘You’ll be married about 12-14yrs. You’ll get a career in the media around the age of 42-44 and you’ll go down in history for being a teacher.
She said your husband (now ex) will be the catalyst for getting you there and he will tae you to the land of A’s where the people will welcome you with open arms.
She said and the love of your life will be waiting. He looks Native American with long black hair and Debbie he will worship the ground you will walk on.
My fiancés name has 3 As. His Middle and last name start with A. He is from the Big Apple, and the prison we met in started with an A and was in Albany county.
I flew on American Airlines and landed at Gate A Row A with a van with his first name waiting on the ide of the runway. His name isn’t a common one. I isn’t one you would easily guess.
He proposed in April and he is from Nicaragua but born in America.
and his gang name is an A also.
My boys call him Spare Dad and he and my ex are the best of fiends. I truly am blessed. If my life as going to be fucked up it might as well be in a nice way.

Stay tuned for my Live Stream info, the sooner I can buy the equipment the sooner I can start. I know for now it’s a microphone I need and noise cancelling headphones.

I want to thank every single one of you who believe in me living or dead. I promise to serve you well.
Please help.

Oh and I’m still gonna open my school.

I’ll train and house suicidal people.

Then once they have light they can spread it in return.

My school of Paranormal Sciences.

For some reason I can’t hyperlink my Patreon page.

Paste and copy the link below into your browser tab.

Please go to and put in /DBPS at the end of .com

Or alternatively you can go to my front page and click on the hyperlink on the right side column of my front page.

Thank you.


2 thoughts on “Suicide Saved My Life.

    • Um…..just watched some. All I’ll say is to each their own but in my opinion like for the Alien one, it’s wrong. They aren’t actually allowed to interfere with our evolutionary process unless it’s because someone has their finger on a missile or bomb that causes a catastrophic world event. They aren’t allowed to interfere. If we join the space race it’s because we’ve earned the right. But… each their own. I don’t agree with any of what this Erik supposedly says BUT we all have our own views on such thing. As long as no-one is getting hurt or lied to or fleeced then it’s up to the individual person to arm themselves with the knowledge that feels right for them.