A Suicide Speaks.

This weekend I had the pleasure of meeting one of my Students. Sefanne, from The Netherlands.

Sefanne is my Scientist and I consider her to me my Spiritual Daughter as I do with a couple of my students.

Sefanne lost her boyfriend to suicide in January of 2016 and since we met I have had a connection to her boyfriend who now INSISTS on monitoring everything I do lol

I’m sitting here thinking about how much I miss Sefanne and how lucky I am to have such incredible love in my life when Lambeik told me he had something to say to those of you dealing with Suicide.

This is his message not mine. From this point it is him talking not me.

‘Some of us are born unhappy and no matter what happens nothing we do can make us happy. It is in us to self destruct and no matter what we do or who we have the desire to leave is to strong. I made many mistakes in my life there and I could of done more to help those around me understand my illness but it’s hard to find words when your mind is screaming. I know now I was Empathic but wasn’t raised to know what that was and it made me angry. I knew I was something. My mind didn’t work like other peoples. I was always trying to find the answers but I really should of been finding the right questions. While my suffering ended I saw the sadness I caused those I loved and I wish it could of been different but I chose those people in my life because of the way I knew they would be free to let me go. They grieved for me in such a beautiful way and I am grateful for that. I should of married you Sefanne. I know we said we never would but I really did love you so much. I stayed for you. You kept me going as long as I did and when I left you gave me the best goodbye I could ever have hoped for. And just so you know, I held you back too.

But it doesn’t need to be this way. You shouldn’t search for answers, search for the right questions to ask. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to be sad, and scared. It’s okay to have emotions. You MUST allow yourself to feel. When you take the drugs and run away from your emotions your suppressing and squashing down all the things your meant to be feeling. We NEED to feel. Empaths especially need to feel. It’s okay to be a man and cry, it’s okay to be a child and be angry. It’s when you try to void yourself of emotion you run into trouble. (Think of the movie Inside Out).

The one thing I need to express to those left dealing with suicide is ‘It is NOT your fault. Nothing could be said or done. Some of us born on this earth are born with the clock ticking down to self destruction and while you all can stretch out the process, it won’t ever stop it from happening. If it is in the script, the final curtain call will come eventually. So please don’t blame yourselves. It is OUR choice, not your actions that cause our deaths. But there are too many children here and THAT has to stop. What is wrong with our society that even children who are the ultimate light on earth are choosing death over life? Children are the epitome of life.

I was raised hating school, never feeling like I belonged. School beat the life out of me. People, you need to understand, ‘School isn’t always  good for everyone. It can be hell on earth and if your sending your depressed child to school your not helping their situation. School damaged me more than any other thing I did because I was told not to think and feel the way I knew was just me being me. When your told from a young age not to be you, it can damage your psyche.

Listen to your children and STOP medicating them. Let me be expressive, let them feel, let them have a voice. You can NOT tell someone what to think and feel, they must tell themselves. Most suicides problems can be removed simply be removing the causes of the depression. Its usually bullying, school/peer pressure, debt, stress etc…..but in some cases (like mine) we are just born looking to go home. My brain didn’t think the way it should of done but who is to say whether that was normal or not as I’m not the only one who’s brain doesn’t think normally. We try, we really do try. It takes so much emotional and mental reasoning before we do what we do. It’s just exhausting. For me, my mind was all over the place. It was hard to focus on ‘normal’. It’s like having a dripping tap that never stopped, mixed with constant thoughts and cloudy, heavy, throbbing, with some loud bangs thrown in to make me nervous or restless. Constantly thinking, thinking, thinking. It’s not always a good thing especially when your getting answers before questions. But the suppression of emotions is what tips people over the edge.

I wasn’t raised to know what an Empath was but I know now and If I could do things differently I still don’t know if I would of done it all over again with my new knowledge because my head is clear for the first time in my life. What I would of done was left a better impression of myself for those I left behind. I’m sorry for how some of my loved one are coping. BUT!!! I’m still proud of how everyone said goodbye. I knew love. That is the only thing that matters. Love each other every day your together because you never know if it will be your last with a depressive or suicidal person.

Memories are so important to the fabric and time and space so make many MANY memories with them.

Also try not to run to Pharmacological medication, there are plenty of natural alternatives and get a hobby. Encourage hobbies, and interests, get off sugar and don’t suppress your feelings. Cry, laugh, get mad. Don’t push your feelings down.

Write them down or talk it out. It will help.

But lastly I want to say this ‘Suicide isn’t the answer for everyone, only those who die. But NEVER EVER ask yourself what you could of done differently. Ask what memories you made. Ask if you did enough to love them. They will always have loved you. I’ve not met one suicide who did it out of not being loved. In fact we often do it to protect our loved ones from the mess that is us. It’s not easy living with us. Which is why my girl deserves true love now. I love her truly but I’m not her true love. I was a lesson, a stepping stone that gave her the most love I had to give and Sefanne, I did love you THE MOST!!! I trusted you like no other. You were the light on my darkest days. You made the noise sing instead of scream, I’m just so proud of you and how you made it so easy for me to leave without fear of losing your love for me and I didn’t even know ‘she’ was there. My glass was already half full. I just wanted to finish the glass and go home. I know you understand. All I remember was you in those last days. But I needn’t of worried because your doing just fine. You were the one who taught me, I wasn’t the Teacher, you were and I am humbled by your strength. Go be loved and love with all your heart. I’ll see you on the other side (or monitoring Debbie on my computer screen haha).

Love like each day is your last and never stop your emotions. We need them. Find the answers you seek once you find the right questions to ask. Stop at nothing to find the answers and parents stop forcing your kids. It’s not your life, it’s theirs. The decisions you make for them today decide their actions tomorrow. This isn’t about YOU. School, medication etc….might be convenient for you but not necessarily for them. Why are your kids even on medication in the first place? What child should know such pain?

Today’s and Tomorrows are all decided by us yesterday.

(Suicide takes planning is what he means) so there are always signs. If your suicidal, talk to someone, write, sing, bake, fish, do whatever it is you need to do to release what your feeling in a constructive manner. Constructive is far better than Destructive.

Remember that.

If my suicide, if this message helps one person want to live or helps one grieving parent/loved one understand the situation their loved one/child was put in then my life and the things I have since learned will have all been worth it.

My suffering has ended but I watch it from where I sit and we need to sort this out people. It’s too much. We need light now, not dark. So much dark.

Love conquers all, remember that, and

Death is only hard on the living.

Sefanne, I never loved ANYONE the way I loved you. But now you will get the love back in equal measure. You deserve that.’

My name is Lambeik and I took my own life, now my memory lives on in love and light.

My memory lives on in all of you who read this message so Thank you for remembering me. It’s the most important thing,

For us to be remembered.


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6 thoughts on “A Suicide Speaks.

  1. I lost my son who was 24 to Suicide. He took his life 3 days after Christmas 2015. Today marks 7 mo. & I fully understand this . This is how my son was . He too had a true love and he too was living for us all. But was in terrible pain. in every way. he told me he lacked emotion, that he didn’t feel like anyone else. he said he didn’t feel any longer and wondered what was wrong with hi. We talked about it for right at a year. he kept saying “Ma, I’m gonna do it” like we were discussion whats for dinner. he was just non nonchalant about it. I tried to get him help. he left us a 5 page letter, it was good, but almost everything he had written i already knew. I feel his presence. He seems to be with us . a lot right when it first happened those first 3 mo , strange electronic things were happing. we chalked it up to bad internet connection. But i know it was him.I forgive him and let him GO. He came to me in a dream back in May and was sending me a message that he was alright and happy and free. He would be waiting for us on the other side. I still have my days, and I do take anxiety drugs to deal, as well as seem to run to sugary foods for comfort. However after reading this Im gonna wean myself off. I have not been abusing them at all, But I understand that I too need to “feel” and this life and the Love that is here is worth the feelings to get there.

    • My Dearest Mama, I am so so very sorry for your loss my Love. I can not even begin to imagine what you must be going through. As a Mother myself your living my worst nightmare. But I want to thank you on behalf of your son Christy for being the incredibly selfless Mother that you are in letting your beautiful son go.
      You made it easy for him to reset his compass and that isn’t easy for a parent to do. Some people are just born with their compass set wrong and it can take them an entire miserable life time to reset it before death. You made it okay for him to express his feelings and make peace with his journey. He said it’s why you were chosen as his Mum because most parents (like me) would be frantic trying to keep them here for my own selfish reasons. It’s not a mental illness with them, their compass is just always pointing home. I’m getting emotional right now because he said ‘She always knew I wouldn’t stay but she never made me feel like I couldn’t leave and it made me not fear my death. She was more than my Mom, she was my guardian and she took care of me even after I left to go home and now I’m taking care of you, because I’m straight facing North now and it was you that led me there and I am in awe of how much you loved me enough to let me go. I love you and will always be with you Mom, just remember me, I’m in your memories waiting but try to remember the good things, not the bad, they don’t define our relationship as we were so much more than my need to come home to rest.’
      (he’s making me sooooo nauseated OMG. I can barely swallow I feel so sick. My throat is so tight, it’s making my eyes water).
      You just need to remember that death isn’t the end. It’s only the beginning. The living are the dead on holiday that’s all. You’ll see him again and he will be holding up the biggest sign at the airport when your own flight comes in. (not for a long while yet).
      But you have done an incredibly selfless act for your son and YOU are what he wants to celebrate. As we all should. So hold your head your head up high when you wipe your tears my Darling Christy. You just taught us Mothers how to be a true loving supportive Mother.
      Sure, it’s a tragedy and you would prefer it never happened to you (as we all do reading this) but you made this so much easier on yourself and for him because he would of stayed and tormented his Soul had he of stayed as he would of only stayed for you prolonging his misery. He is in awe of you, as am I so I want to Thank you for sharing your heartache with me and for letting me know the incredible bond you have with him even beyond this life.
      I wish you a life time of PEACE now Sweetheart, live for you so you can live the life he never got but wanted for you.
      Hold your head up high Mama you beautiful Teaching Soul you.
      Love and Light

  2. Wow….wow. This could have come directly from my son who also (I learned from Debbie after his suicide) was an empath and psychic.

    My son lead me to the song “Swim” by Jacks Mannequin after his death. Please listen to it, and share it with those who you love or those who just might need to hear it.