The Pen just…….vanished

What the hell was that? Where did it go? where the fuck did it go? It was  right here and it fuckin vanished in my hand.

Oh God I’m losing my mind I think. Is this why I felt so sick last night? I’ve been feeling it build up for days.. Is this the nerves? No? You say No?

The thing with my head and feet? is that it? My hand hurts so bad OMG so bad.

I saw the signs, I knew something was coming but I just don’t even know what to say. The pain………………………but it vanished.

Right in front of my eyes.

I think I need to get a brain scan.

Only trouble is……………..I have a witness…………………………………………….

why did it do it like that though?

I’m freezing now.

It seems the more sandbags I off load the higher my Balloon rises and the better my gift is getting.

Is this even real or am I in the Matrix?

I don’t even………………….it vanished dude, right in my hand.

I need to sit in a dark corner and cry then figure this shit out quick coz if this is happening I need to shut this Blog down too so I can concentrate on the Science coz I KNOW this is building into something.

I know it was done because of the music I was listening to. The connection. I get it. I understand totally what your saying but Jesus Fucking Hell warn a girl because you crush the bones in her hand. I feel so sick now.

I get it. I do. Thank you. I knew something was coming but it’s something different every time, how am I meant to prepare for something I don’t know WHAT it is?

I need to document this with my Scientist. I’m not afraid to admit that is the first time I’ve been scared in a LONG time. Truly scared. SOOOO wasn’t expecting THAT song to do what it did.

I WONDER!!!! was this a trigger? Was it set up to be a trigger?

The Golden you know whats. Is that for this? or Protection? The hundreds I had in my room three days ago? were they in preparation? Your doing stuff to me so often now it’s hard to take it all in. It’s every week now. EVERY week.

It takes me days to recover. I’m not complaining. I know. I understand. But Fuck sakes your starting to make people question my sanity lol

AND!!!! I’m stone cold sober. NO WEED in my system.

Aint that a kicker lol First time for everything I guess hahahaha

I’ll write down ALL the signs and symptoms I had, the patterns that lead up to it but please…….you gorgeous creature warn me next time the pain hits so I can drop the item before it goes poof.

No chest pain this time I noticed. That’s good. But I’m totally blinded. I’m having serious trouble seeing because of the POOF!!!!


How wrong did I have the Council? lol Sorry lol You guys ROCK!!!

I’m off to question my sanity now. I’ll read this back when I can see better.

I’ve just taken photos of my burnt hand.

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Drag Queens in Heaven

This is a subject my Boy Henry asked me about and made me realize this need to be said.

If your gay in this life are you gay in the next?

The Answer? NO!!! Sexuality doesn’t exist in Spirit. Sex doesn’t exist. We are one energy. Like all the sparks that connect to illuminate a light we are all one.

People wrongly believe that Spirits are sexual. Is a radio wave sexual? Is a frequency sexual? Um…..NO. So just like how Spirits don’t eat or sleep they don’t get aroused and anyone who says they do is an idiot. Seriously.

BUT!!! That don’t mean to say these Fabulous Divas don’t like to Drag it up when they come through.

I am a STAUNCH supporter of Gay Rights and I think the LGBT community are some of THEE bravest, strongest most resilient sub group of human in the history of the world.

Being Gay isn’t a new thing. Most Mammals go a bit gay when a partner isn’t available. Especially Deer and Antelope lol Them Bitches like some ‘Heeeeeey’ from a same sex sister. And why not? Rock on. Sex rocks.

But there is no T and NO shade in Spirit if you lived this life as Gay, Lesbian or Transgender. We have so much historical proof that being either L G B or T existed.

Alexander the Great, Leonardo Da Vinci, J Edgar Hoover (was a Transvestite), Michelangelo, Walt Witman, Abe Lincoln, Oscar Wilde, (some say there is a future King who is too), Tennesse Williams, Rock Hudson, Lawrence Olivier, Eleanor Roosevelt,  Cary Grant, Anthony Perkins, some of these I got online but the most I knew and I’m straight.

The truth is, if we weren’t meant to be LGBT we wouldn’t be. If it’s organic and it exists it is meant to be.

I’d like to share with you a couple of stories close to my heart because I knew and loved these people personally and I hadn’t even thought about it until my Henry reminded me and I think this will be a great way to honour their memories.

So I’d like to dedicate this to my cousin David aka Daphne and Adam aka Goldie Horny.

Both victims to Suicide. Both had struggles dealing with the issues surrounding Bigotry and prejudice of the 90s. Thankfully it’s not as bad now but it STILL needs addressing. It makes me sick to my stomach the way these Warriors and Heroines are treated still in some cultures and countries.

But in the early 90s we still had the fear of the government engineered diseases AIDS and HIV hanging over us and it created a swath of fear among people that caused some apparent poo flinging Homophobic Retards (and it is retarded if you look at the real definition of the word) to use it as an excuse to throw shit around.



1. Occurring or developing later than desired or expected; delayed.

2. Offensive SlangSocially inappropriate or foolish.

The third definition is fairly recent in comparison.

My boys tried and failed in recognizing their beautiful state of creation and neither could stay here. They took flights home early and broke many hearts. The thing that breaks my heart the most is Adam was only 15. I’ll never forget being told about either of them. Oh Adam isn’t his real name by the way. (I need to protect his identity for personal reasons).

Two weeks after burying David he turned up in my room in the MOST spectacular fashion.

Bitch had more Gold on him than the 70s lol

He had on thee most flouncy Gold dress on with MASSIVE bat wings, wig, make up, FULL drag and in those days Garage Doors were big. He made a bigger entrance than RuPaul and took to that stage with more pride and enthusiasm than a Gay Pride Parade. She was BANGING. She looked sooooooooo happy. She had a message for his family which I did pass on to my cousin later on (his sister) and never saw him again. But the fact he did that means when he crossed over Daphne felt free FINALLY to be all she was in all her Fabulous Fishy glory.

That brought me peace and I was only 19 at the time.

Adam was in desperate need of acceptance and basically needed a Drag Mother but growing up in small town New Zealand was hard for him and his parents just couldn’t grasp the concept of him being what he was so he too decided to ‘opt out’ of his life contract. The thing that fucks me off the most, the thing that makes me SO fuckin angry is that even in death he wasn’t allowed to be free. No one who was ‘different’ was even allowed near his funeral and no one was to mention his little ‘mental health issue’ and I’m getting upset as I type this because he was such a beautiful soul. I taught him as best I could with make up. He would come and sit and use all  make up even though this little Maori boy was tanned and I’m casper but he just LOVED being around the make up. I taught him to shade and contour but my God, no offense Baby Boy but your taste in clothing was terrible lol He tried it ALL. I used to say ‘he’s step out in everything on the rack’. ‘Less is more’ I’d said  and he said ‘No darling, more is more’. lol

15 and such a mouth on him. He’d of been a good pal for Bianca Del Rio. In fact Queen Bianca is the one who would of been his idol if he was still here because he had the acerbic quick wit too.

When I was 17 I went to stay with my cousin in Sydney, Australia and he took me to The Underground and The Rainbow Bar in the late 80’s and it fuckin rocked. I’d never seen men in gimp masks and leather before and it was hot.

It was all to wall leather, mouth balls, whips and lots of gay 80’s mustaches.

One of my cousins pals Darren was a dancer for Miss Kylie Minogue and I often cooked a roast chicken for him and his pals before they headed out lol

The Rainbow was incredible. It was full of beautiful people Id never seen before. No one cared I was there, although they might have thought I was gay which would of been cool too. But the music. OMG can anyone do music like the gays? The energy, the dancing, the drugs, the nakedness, it was tantalizing and hot.

I always wanted to see David go from David to Daphne and never got the chance but I do know that when he came through with this Milli Vanilli style wig on and his arms out stretched in a flowing ‘I have arrived’ style it gave me chills.

 He changed my life that day he took me to those clubs.

I was submersed in a hot, exciting, sexy, energetic culture I have embraced ever since.

It was the BEST experience of my life. My first drag act I saw I cried because I was so in awe of the most beautiful Queen I’d EVER seen in my life. She was total Fish. You could NOT tell she was male underneath all that beauty. Her lady parts were tighter than mine and I was 17 lol

I knew then at the age of 17 I was going to be a Drag Queen when I grow up.

The LGBT community are inspiring and brave. They are strong and resilient and I am SO SO SO PROUD to be a world where they exist.

Life would be fuckin shit without you. Our art, fashion and music would fuckin suck.

I personally think anyone who is homophobic has hidden gay tendencies and are just jealous that the LGBT community are higher achievers and make better money than the Straighees. It’s a known fact that gay men have higher IQs than straight and gay men and women are higher achievers who make better money.

Why wouldn’t we be jealous? If I looked like Alexis Mateo, Milk, Ivy Winters, Raven, Juju Bee, or Miss Ru I’d be all over myself lol I’d be in full drag getting my smear test lol

I’d be more Drag than Drag.

Adam when he came through the night after he left us, he took my breathe away and he was like ‘Debbie, Debbie, look, look what they did to me, look, I’m GORGEOUS, LOOK.’

And he did look stunning. His make up was beat down, like BEAT DOWN. He was flawless and his outfit was unlike anything I’d ever seen before.

I was so so SO proud of him. He shone like a star and his light has never faded and that was 1987.

I’m from the Pacific Islands and in my culture and surrounding Polynesian islands Transgender people are considered Blessed. They are seen as being Twin Souls. Both Male and Female. Which is a blessing because they get to understand both sexes.

There is a STUNNING Queen I’d love to introduce you to. SHE is my heroine. I adore her and you should too.

People stupidly think if your from the islands as we are, we are backwards. We may have gotten microwaves 20yrs after they were invented but we know when we are blessed with something special in our midst. We can’t be that backwards if we knew centuries before hand that if your Trans your blessed. So get over it White People. EVEN in IRAN, IRAN, YES IRAN you can get your gender reassignment surgery for free.

Yes they have a lot to learn but it’s better than most countries who claim to be all cool and copacetic.

Africa is the continent that needs the kick up the ass. Boy are they in for a fright after the cleansing lol

These are the people we should be getting our respect. Not the Fucking Kardasians and Beyonces of the world. Our LGBT Souls are the very epitome of strength, courage, poise, beauty and dignity.

So my Gay, Lesbian, Bi and Transgender brothers, sisters and sisters, hold your heads up high. You are represented in Spirit in the highest order and you steal the show every time let me tell you.

Never have I had a Spirit come through to a theme tune as they make their entrance. Daphne came through to I’m Coming OUT BY Diana Ross and even now when I hear that song it takes me back to seeing him shine that fuckin gold Bat Wing dress brighter than the glitter ball that was dangling over his head lol

If your LGBT and you have no where to go, if you need to talk or need a Drag Mother, you come to me. Your safe here with me and I know people………….I can get you to safety, I can get you protection, advice or Love.

I might be bat shit crazy but no one has more love for you than me.

Even my 6’5 Scottish Mr wants to dress in full drag. He gets it too. Your too fabulous to not want to emulate. My 7yr old son watches RuPauls Drag Race on Netflix and has all Ru’s Albums on his player. He loves Glamazon and if he grows up to be Gay Bi or Trans we will love and support him within an inch of his life. The truth is I’d want to immerse myself in his world lol he’s get pissed off and be straight just to annoy me lol

BUT he is 100% straight which makes me even prouder. When he grows up he said he wants to have a wife and be a Cardio Thorasic Surgeon and have kids, live next door to me and go to Drag Shows. So I know I’m raising my Babies right.

My Gemini baby wouldn’t notice.

The truth is the world would suck without gay folk and there is something seriously wrong with our so called modern society if we can’t live and let live. Who are we do judge anyone?

There is certainly no judgement in the After Life. In Fact I’ve had straight Spirits come through a big fabulous too now that I think about it.

It’s called Gay not Miserable.

Lesbi Gay together 🙂


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A Suicide Speaks.

This weekend I had the pleasure of meeting one of my Students. Sefanne, from The Netherlands.

Sefanne is my Scientist and I consider her to me my Spiritual Daughter as I do with a couple of my students.

Sefanne lost her boyfriend to suicide in January of 2016 and since we met I have had a connection to her boyfriend who now INSISTS on monitoring everything I do lol

I’m sitting here thinking about how much I miss Sefanne and how lucky I am to have such incredible love in my life when Lambeik told me he had something to say to those of you dealing with Suicide.

This is his message not mine. From this point it is him talking not me.

‘Some of us are born unhappy and no matter what happens nothing we do can make us happy. It is in us to self destruct and no matter what we do or who we have the desire to leave is to strong. I made many mistakes in my life there and I could of done more to help those around me understand my illness but it’s hard to find words when your mind is screaming. I know now I was Empathic but wasn’t raised to know what that was and it made me angry. I knew I was something. My mind didn’t work like other peoples. I was always trying to find the answers but I really should of been finding the right questions. While my suffering ended I saw the sadness I caused those I loved and I wish it could of been different but I chose those people in my life because of the way I knew they would be free to let me go. They grieved for me in such a beautiful way and I am grateful for that. I should of married you Sefanne. I know we said we never would but I really did love you so much. I stayed for you. You kept me going as long as I did and when I left you gave me the best goodbye I could ever have hoped for. And just so you know, I held you back too.

But it doesn’t need to be this way. You shouldn’t search for answers, search for the right questions to ask. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to be sad, and scared. It’s okay to have emotions. You MUST allow yourself to feel. When you take the drugs and run away from your emotions your suppressing and squashing down all the things your meant to be feeling. We NEED to feel. Empaths especially need to feel. It’s okay to be a man and cry, it’s okay to be a child and be angry. It’s when you try to void yourself of emotion you run into trouble. (Think of the movie Inside Out).

The one thing I need to express to those left dealing with suicide is ‘It is NOT your fault. Nothing could be said or done. Some of us born on this earth are born with the clock ticking down to self destruction and while you all can stretch out the process, it won’t ever stop it from happening. If it is in the script, the final curtain call will come eventually. So please don’t blame yourselves. It is OUR choice, not your actions that cause our deaths. But there are too many children here and THAT has to stop. What is wrong with our society that even children who are the ultimate light on earth are choosing death over life? Children are the epitome of life.

I was raised hating school, never feeling like I belonged. School beat the life out of me. People, you need to understand, ‘School isn’t always  good for everyone. It can be hell on earth and if your sending your depressed child to school your not helping their situation. School damaged me more than any other thing I did because I was told not to think and feel the way I knew was just me being me. When your told from a young age not to be you, it can damage your psyche.

Listen to your children and STOP medicating them. Let me be expressive, let them feel, let them have a voice. You can NOT tell someone what to think and feel, they must tell themselves. Most suicides problems can be removed simply be removing the causes of the depression. Its usually bullying, school/peer pressure, debt, stress etc…..but in some cases (like mine) we are just born looking to go home. My brain didn’t think the way it should of done but who is to say whether that was normal or not as I’m not the only one who’s brain doesn’t think normally. We try, we really do try. It takes so much emotional and mental reasoning before we do what we do. It’s just exhausting. For me, my mind was all over the place. It was hard to focus on ‘normal’. It’s like having a dripping tap that never stopped, mixed with constant thoughts and cloudy, heavy, throbbing, with some loud bangs thrown in to make me nervous or restless. Constantly thinking, thinking, thinking. It’s not always a good thing especially when your getting answers before questions. But the suppression of emotions is what tips people over the edge.

I wasn’t raised to know what an Empath was but I know now and If I could do things differently I still don’t know if I would of done it all over again with my new knowledge because my head is clear for the first time in my life. What I would of done was left a better impression of myself for those I left behind. I’m sorry for how some of my loved one are coping. BUT!!! I’m still proud of how everyone said goodbye. I knew love. That is the only thing that matters. Love each other every day your together because you never know if it will be your last with a depressive or suicidal person.

Memories are so important to the fabric and time and space so make many MANY memories with them.

Also try not to run to Pharmacological medication, there are plenty of natural alternatives and get a hobby. Encourage hobbies, and interests, get off sugar and don’t suppress your feelings. Cry, laugh, get mad. Don’t push your feelings down.

Write them down or talk it out. It will help.

But lastly I want to say this ‘Suicide isn’t the answer for everyone, only those who die. But NEVER EVER ask yourself what you could of done differently. Ask what memories you made. Ask if you did enough to love them. They will always have loved you. I’ve not met one suicide who did it out of not being loved. In fact we often do it to protect our loved ones from the mess that is us. It’s not easy living with us. Which is why my girl deserves true love now. I love her truly but I’m not her true love. I was a lesson, a stepping stone that gave her the most love I had to give and Sefanne, I did love you THE MOST!!! I trusted you like no other. You were the light on my darkest days. You made the noise sing instead of scream, I’m just so proud of you and how you made it so easy for me to leave without fear of losing your love for me and I didn’t even know ‘she’ was there. My glass was already half full. I just wanted to finish the glass and go home. I know you understand. All I remember was you in those last days. But I needn’t of worried because your doing just fine. You were the one who taught me, I wasn’t the Teacher, you were and I am humbled by your strength. Go be loved and love with all your heart. I’ll see you on the other side (or monitoring Debbie on my computer screen haha).

Love like each day is your last and never stop your emotions. We need them. Find the answers you seek once you find the right questions to ask. Stop at nothing to find the answers and parents stop forcing your kids. It’s not your life, it’s theirs. The decisions you make for them today decide their actions tomorrow. This isn’t about YOU. School, medication etc….might be convenient for you but not necessarily for them. Why are your kids even on medication in the first place? What child should know such pain?

Today’s and Tomorrows are all decided by us yesterday.

(Suicide takes planning is what he means) so there are always signs. If your suicidal, talk to someone, write, sing, bake, fish, do whatever it is you need to do to release what your feeling in a constructive manner. Constructive is far better than Destructive.

Remember that.

If my suicide, if this message helps one person want to live or helps one grieving parent/loved one understand the situation their loved one/child was put in then my life and the things I have since learned will have all been worth it.

My suffering has ended but I watch it from where I sit and we need to sort this out people. It’s too much. We need light now, not dark. So much dark.

Love conquers all, remember that, and

Death is only hard on the living.

Sefanne, I never loved ANYONE the way I loved you. But now you will get the love back in equal measure. You deserve that.’

My name is Lambeik and I took my own life, now my memory lives on in love and light.

My memory lives on in all of you who read this message so Thank you for remembering me. It’s the most important thing,

For us to be remembered.


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